Post Christmas

Yesterday morning I drove home in a blizzard. While spending the holiday on the Cape the snow stacked up over 16 inches. When we left at 6AM the roads had not even been plowed in the town. We had to guess where the roads were.

The ride ended up taking an extra hour in part because of the weather and in part because I got off the wrong exit. My normal 3.5 hours was a 4.5 hour trip. During that time my son Matt slept through most of the treacheries of the weather and drivers unaccustomed to ice.

I am at a place of review in my life as I prepare for the upcoming year. So much I have looked upon and counted as "good" have just no thrill for me anymore. I want to say that I chased Jesus, but even as I look upon my pursuit, I still see so much that has got in the way.

Things have been so hectic and yet I realize all these things "float" because of former choices. The threads are visible. Everything "leads" back to the past.

I look at the tsunami yesterday and I am struck by the violence that falls upon people. So many would foretell the "end." On the other hand I contemplate those who were destroyed even with 8 hours of warning. So many in India had much warning as the 375 mile per hour wave rushed towards them.

How many Christians will enter the next year without the preparations so necessary to a vital life? My own life is encumbered with bits of pride, moments of arrogance, seasons of willfulness and a desire to do it my way. This weekend included many thoughts about changes that I could make. Some good and some not so good. Some are just throwing the whole thing out and starting over.

I have come to a place where I know it is "all about God" but the choices are restricting the ability to maneuver. In all honesty they are not "choices" I am making, but choices that in some cases were made many years, even decades ago. If only young people could see the results of the simplest choices.

What about the warnings? Can we hear the words of Jesus ringing in our ears? Can we hear the tsunami's rushing towards us? Have we heeded the warning bells rung? Honestly, I think not. We know we are a nation of fattened Christians, striving for so many steps. We listen to that which fits us. We hear what we want, say what we want. I look at the contemplations of the weekend and I wonder why I, or any other would even "consider" the very things that would cause us so much pain, so much for separation from God, in our great efforts to get it over with?

I read a small booklet I had on revival yesterday. I know it is the Father's cry and yet I read it wondering "why?" I am reading a book that talks about the Father's heart and how great men of God have walked away and atheists and scoffers have come to Him. I often wonder if I have moved to the place of "not feeling."

I know in my church that there is much to be done and yet I have held on for relationship's sake, despite the fact that so many relationships are one sided, giving them me and me with nothing that is visibly helping me.

I have watched people make all the "me" choices and now I wonder. Is that tsunami of God that so many have spoken about a double edged sword?

I walked in a church on Sunday and I "smelled" smoke. Not just any smoke but the smoke of a forest fire. I spoke to the pastor and he we talked about the changes that had taken place in his church in the last year or so. (Unfortunately, I would say, I also "set" the fire in my last speaking engagement there a few years ago.) But, what if this forest fire is still burning somewhere else, in another church? What happen if the time is readying for a clearing out of the dead woods of religion and tradition? What if the church isn't ready? I am not talking about revival here, I am talking about repentance. And what if there is none? Is it possible these are the days of "Ananias and Sapphira?" Or the days of Ichabod? How many know the truth even as they read these words and still allow for tradition and religion and legalism to be there?

There is a sound I have heard recently. A smell I have smelled. A thought I have "seen before." am I ready? Are you ready?

Some of us have just plain given up. Quit. Called it done. I know the feeling. I have cried "MARANATHA NOW!"

But I suspect there is one final change coming. A tsunami, a fire, an earthquake.
And then it will be done. The warnings are here. Will WE heed?

What a day

The NJ state police want tour bank account or whether will subpoena our bank records and our eBay accounts. Why? We sold an ambulance we had purchased to a man from Texas. We told them in advance that they needed to register it. They didn't. They decided to drive an ambulance through NY City. With a video camera. They were driving around NYC filming. The upshot? Pulled over by the authorities for "terroist" activities. How did we know? NBC news called us. And now the New Jersey StatePolice wants our records. Despite the fact that they already let the people go and they are on the way back to Texas.

And how did the day begin? Let's see...I am moving the warehouse to the back of the building which necessitated two large truckfuls of stuff coming down to the store. Icy roads, rain and now it's 58 degrees. The store is hard enough to keep going, without overloading at Christmas. Business has been slow. We have three buses, a Mercedes and a truck for sale that need to sell by tomorrow. My partner thinks we "missed" it.

I had three people call to tell me that they think what is going on with my exwife and my youngest children is my fault. Their mom is dying of cancer and will not live, but is it my "fault" that she has been mentally unbalanced since day 1 and that her children do not want to talk to her? They do not want to deal with her death or coming death. The friends are suggesting that I am plotting to steal the money from the few precious antiques theat might be sold. As it is, I have been paying child support to her when the kids live with me because she is too sick. And one of her friends has been "promised" all the craft stuff. Great! They can pay the kids. for people who say they are concerned I am not believing it.

And then Tina visited Alyssa. Alyssa will serve 2 weeks in jail becuase she had narcotics for sale to fund her habit. She is in the hole $1400 and she is looking at jail because she cashed a check for her real dad that was a stolen check and her dad will not make good on it. And somehow it is God's fault...according to everyone.

Add to the fact that we are supposed to go away tomorrow for the holidays and i am not very excited about it and needless to say, welcome to the holiday blues.

So today has not been a very good day. And I know God is sitting on His throne in the heavens waiting to see what the next moves will be. But I rest secure in the fact that He is a good God despite the circumstances that are in place.

This holiday 2004

The last few days people have been readying for the holiday. A recent dusting of snow here have helped with the Christmas thoughts. The roads were a little icy, a little slick. (Amy says her new tires "ROCK!")

But many seem preoccupied, distracted, caught up in things. It seems to be a year where Christmas has come too soon. People's eyes are glazed over, looking straight ahead, seeing no joy.

God loves the joyless people. It opens the door for Him to bring joy. He loves a people who are in darkness for it opens the door for the light to shine. He loves the demonically plagued for to Him be the glory. He even likes the dead for He is able to raise them.

I believe we are positioned for a Lazarus type of Christmas. Can you hear the booming voice of the Lord calling out, "Lazarus! Come forth!" as the people look on? But some say "Lord-you are too late." While death is hardly convenient nor timely the Lord is always right there. A very present help in a time of need.

I sense that many who read this will read it again today. God is calling for the that which has been dead for His glory. People's damaged lives, diminished towns and even regions and nations are going to come out of their "graves" in response to the words of the Lord. Those that haven't "died" will wilt, over this holiday, but the sound of the Lord is echoing through the halls of hell. That which has been locked in has been released.

Things that have hindered will fall away as the grave clothes are removed. Just watch.

As the Christmas song says, "Do you hear what I hear."

Surprising love

Because of the nature of this dream, many will wonder, many will write and many will be concerned about the direction of my life. But, I have been praying to know the kiss of the Lord, as written in Song Of Solomon. To know Him in a greater way. And I think this is the beginning of His answer.

My daughter had called late last night, concerned about her mom. The dark night of the soul had begun for her in some respects. I fell asleep.

The town was nearby. The house vaguely familiar, but not the house I would have thought it to be. The man was sleeping in his bedroom. It appeared that either his wife had left him or was away. The reasons were not clear. A young lady came over. She was beautiful. Not beautiful, in the sensual way, but just beautifu. I could smell her hair, the room, everything. Very unusual for a dream. The man got up and went to the door. She had come over to tell the man about his friends home. She knew the reason it had not rented and had an idea. I sensed the man knew her sister, but did not know her. They talked for a few minutes and he reached out to her, tentatively. She responded with a kiss. The passion intensified and the man was stricken. His belief system was shattered. I thought he "was cheating on his wife." His concern was that his father and sister would find out. The intimacies of the night were more than he could imagine. His father drove in the driveway and he began to "kick" the young woman out. She resisted. At first I thought, "fatal attraction." But, she wasn't violent or rude. And then I saw the child. Somewhere, this baby with a golden face appeared near the table. Demonic, I thought. But as I watched, I saw the reality of it. This child was beautiful. Not the product of an illicit affair, but something greater.

I awoke. What kind of dream was that. It was sexual, it was beautiful, it was on the surface, not right. "God you do not give me dreams without meaning."

I began to meditate on it. Here was a man that had "lost" at love. The wrong choices, the hope against hope for a love that would never be fulfilled. This woman, at first did not bring hope, but help. And in a moment that all changed. The emptiness of his life was being filled. The searching all resolved in a few moments. I came to Christ, as the result of being a victim of an affair. As painful as it was, it drove me to Him. But, this did not look like an "affair." There was strength. When he became concerned for his father and his sister, I thought he was trying to get rid of the evidence.

Why wasn't the friend's home rented? I believe it represented the emptiness of man. The results of unfulfilled promises and the longing for peace. And I understand those at the time of Christ's birth who would have stoned Mary. They did not understand. Even Joseph struggled, thank God for his obedience. Who could understand? I was brought up without God, but I have had friends convert from other religions to be outcast by their families. Who could understand the loss of family? As I have studied discipleship, I see that one must make choices for the greater intimacies of God. For us to be one with Him(That was the outcome of this dream.) requires the relinquishing of all that we have held onto.

And the child? This child represents the hope and the future of a coming generation. A golden child. A child of God, the product of the intimacies of God.

Many will read this and perhaps write me about "sex outside of marriage" and some worse things. 10 years ago, I might have done the same. At this stage in my life, I believe that those who behold things holy will see holy.

Today's reflections

Today, my wife has returned from New Orleans, a place she described as Sodom and Gomorrah. My youngest daughter, Cass is shopping with friends. Matt is with his girlfriend and Amy is visiting her mom. My youngest children's mom is near death in a hospital waiting for a nursing home to open for her. The viciousness of cancer.

Tina and I are heading to a friend's 60th birthday party. I spent most of the day in our store, Gifts Of Light, visiting with people. The interesting part of the day, was a man who is 67 years old telling me how he discovered jazz after all these years and is now doing a radio program.

The final week before Christmas and only one person left to shop for-yowee! Amy-the hardest one.

Tina's daughter Alyssa was sentenced to two weeks in jail for possession of narcotics and 2 years probation. I have to admit I was really shocked that they put her in jail. Two children....

This morning I read the news. A 17 year was arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct with a minor of 13 years old. A felony. Yet, I sat there and thought we allow 13 year olds to have abortions without their mother or father's permission, obviously stating sex is ok at 13. So, why wouldn't he have thought this was right.

It just leads me to believe that we will have to stand up for what is right or see our freedoms, our liberties and our beliefs relinquished to those that will.

Choices

I fell like God has given so many examples of what choices are. The house on sand or the house on rock, the bearing of good or evil fruit and the wide or the narrow gates. Certainly there are more, but I think you and I understand that there is a vast difference between good and evil. But lately, I have encountered many people caught up in the "New Age" and they make choices between good and God. For years I have spoken about good being the enemy of excellence. Choices. What are they? I would define them as selections laid before you(Or as a friend says, "fanning the options.") and you get to pick. But sometimes when I have options I want someone else to make the choice(Preferably God!) because otherwise I feel like a dog with two bones...I can't make up my mind! (Hey, give me a break...the old Lee would have opted for one of each-let me tell you about my collection of matching paisley shirts in 7 different colors!)

Whatever the choice is, you can be sure it will dictate a pathway to another door. For years I heard people pray for open or closed doors. That is great when we are immature(Either in the spirit or in the natural.), but sooner or later God requires you to begin choosing according to wisdom. Isn't it interesting that we want to be "free," but we want God to make the choices. There whole purpose of being free and being a free moral agent is that you get to choose.

Years ago a fellow pastor and I talked about teaching a class in the church on common sense and manners. Yesterday, I spoke to another pastor who had taught life skills in the world and I commented and said "when do you teach it to the church?" We need to allow the wisdom of God to invade our life. It is free for the asking says the book of James. People outside the church think the church has no common sense in many cases. That we blindly make decisions with "God on our mind" and then when it goes sour we have no excuse, except "God will forgive me." The more I work in the world, the more I see the need for a revelation of wisdom and an understanding of help from one another.

For years it was the word, the word, the word. And then we had a new move and it was the Spirit, the Spirit, the Spirit. How about this generation do both. I believe in the ground shaking moves of God with nobody standing. But I believe in the preparations of the heart and the disciplines of our lives(Why do we think "discipline" is a 4 letter word?). Otherwise the world is right when they think any Christians are flakes. Every life ought to revolve around situations, disciplines and the moves of the Spirit. Not just one or two of those things.

We the people of God, are to manifest the Kingdom of God, but we are so afraid to talk about Jesus (And yet not afraid of exciting rides!) that we have become Christian ghettos. Rarely an outsider coming in and fewer and fewer Christians going out.

We are to be reclaiming what the New Age has stolen and false religions are practicing. These things are choices. You and I are setting the world up for our children and our children's children. The very decisions I make today have eternal values.

Letting my children make decisions that are wrong, or letting them get away with rebellions will only cause further decisions to be reduced to nothingness. So often I will point out to my children people who have made bad decisions and the importance of not making the same decisions. I use real life people for my examples, often people they know. And say do you see what "being unequally yoked" can do? Do you see what not loving your children can do? Do you see what no discipline means because a parent thinks "it's cute" can do to your life.

I am considering a real life class. A friend of mine was published in a national magazine as saying "how is it we can make a team come together in 16 weeks(In the Marines.), but the church often struggles year after year.?

Choices...what are you choosing today?

Last decisions

Yesterday the decision was made for my former wife to go to a nursing home for her final days here on earth. Two children(17 & 18)are forced to live their lives without their mom. My daughter Cass said, "I thought she would be there to see her grandchildren." Just writing it brings tears to my eyes.

I never intended for our marriage to go wrong back then. Bad choices, a lot of pain and some serious situations outside of us, brought the marriage to an end. I waited 3 1/2 years for her return. Then she announced she was marrying someone else.

How has the decision affected our lives as a "family?" For me, it brought a new wife and 2 step children, a calling from God and many positive changes. For her, her relationships always seemed to end unsuccessfully.

What is it we can tell our kids? Is it reasonable for us to tell them "go ahead and do it" or "be happy" at the expense of hurting others? My life as a child was a very self serving life. Because of that I had many damaged relationships, hurts and fears. Why would I encourage others to go a path of "if it feels good, do it?"

My hope is that my children see the truth, that frequently questionable decision bring about more questions, along with a world of hurts.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

"Shake, rattle and roll!"

That is what I am seeing happening. Positioning by the Father. But I also see a resistance to it. "I don't wanna go. I don't wanna 'die'" Years ago there used to be a song and one of the lines was "Please Mr. Custer, I don't wanna die."

Abraham-the man of great blessing. How did he get blessed? According to Genesis and the book of Romans, he left. He went to where God was blessing. Everywhere I go I sense the positioning of God. For years I have heard "God can bless anything." I believe that. But I am not so small minded that God is the "chess player" of the skies just letting His pieces roll wherever they want.

There is a move in the body of Christ, a divine positioning by the Lord Himself. God has tired for years to get us to be where He is blessing and now it appears He is just moving us. Imagine that! It is almost as if He, God Himself "thinks" He can do anything...(So why don't we?)

And what of those who resist? I have to be honest when I say, I am not sure I want to think about this. I read in the book of 1 John, that intimacy with God is being obedient to His Commandments. Jesus said to "teach them my commandments." Did you know there are over 100 commandments that Jesus pointed out? They range from repent to follow me.

Surely intimacy with God is the purest place of divine position.

But what of the resisters? For years repentance was preached and people conformed on the outside, but many did only that. Repentance is a heart action. And many resisted the hard handedness of this. There was a wave of the love of God and His love towards us. And many caught that and embraced it. But it to had it's difficulties in "it's" presentations and presenters. And so many forgot that repentance was necessary to growing in Christ. Now, it appears that God is moving the people, in His final effort to get everybody on the same page. He is cleaning up the church, tipping the tables and allowing the "fall" of the money changers.

Are you and I listening to the sound of the positioning? Are we hearing the pieces moving? God gave His talents and nature to the church. Jesus gave His gift of what many call the fivefold(Though maybe it is only a four fold with that pastor-teacher thing.) and the Spirit the moving gifts of the church. Many know they have these but have kept them wrapped up in the box. (At church someone gave me a package that says "HO HO HO" and I joked about it being out of Isaiah (HO). But one day I studied the box and I realized that if you turned it upside down the gift wrap said "OH OH." And I realized not opening the box was an Oh Oh.")

"Please Pappa God-I don't want to die." That is how people feel. If I go, I am dead. Welcome to Galatians 2:20. God is making a final call for the church to "Allow" itself to be cleaned up. It requires "dead men."

And if I resist the cry of God to repent of my sins and really turn away, not only am I standing in the way of revival but I am endangering my life. Sin is an epidemic in the church, but the good news is "Mr. Clean" is here in the form of God Himself to present that pure and spotless bride.

I have long thought about how my life in AA, NA and that unusual group, GA(Not Gamblers Anonymous, but Groups Anonymous for those of us addicted to groups.) birthed from the Bible and frequently has a better handle on many of the things the church said but doesn't(didn't) do. We were taught go anywhere, follow, your sponsor and do what it says. Amazing!!!

Follow me. Go into all the world. Repent of your sin. Simple. The positioning of God. He is just trying to get you to a place, as He did Abraham where you can receive all the blessings.

If you will quit.

Even as I write this, I am reminded of a past I left.

Last night I sat in the ER with my wife, Tina, as she was being tested for a possible heart attack. The possibility was a heart attack, but they have since narrowed it down to a possible clot in the lung or more likely a gall bladder that needs to be removed. Hopefully today we will know(or it will have somehow be ok!) after some more testing.

The reason for remembering my past...
Three weeks ago Monday a light was visible in my room and a voice said this; "If you will quit ministering, I will leave you and your family alone."

And I am not proud of this, but I did not share it with any one for a week. Because in all honesty, it was "under consideration." The lies flooded my headed about how little impact had been made in our ministry, etc. It would have been easy to justify. But, then something weird happened. A young man came in the store and subsequently I brought him over to church. The upshot was, he asked for God to heal him. A very personal healing. I prayed for him. The next day this unbeliever came in to see me and said "Praise God , my ___ has been healed!" I realized I must share that with someone simply for accountability. And did.

Seeing my wife in the bed with IV's and tubes and monitors brought back the reality of our existence here. And what the "light" had promised.

I am simply holding on to the promises of God. Sometimes not as quietly as I should. I am digging out of the business mistakes that happened over the summer. We are still dealing with difficulties of my former wife and her cancer and the children. The issues with the house and the missed information by our lawyer. BUT, I know, that a promise of the devil will never be fulfilled. And the promise of God is simply that...the promise of God.

Seeing things turn.

When I first moved to Springfield, who would have thought life would turn out the way it has in recent days.

Yesterday, I spent much time with a young black man, who had seen his life turned upside down. The job, the relationship, the home he thought he would have didn't turn out that way. As he visited me in our storefront church, I realized that his anger towards the unseen, mirrored an anger that I had housed many years ago. The recent hanging suicide death of a young mom had brought those very same feelings to the forefront. What changed for me in that storefront 15 years ago? What did I do with those hopeless feelings?

What is 49 years has to offer? Only yesterday, my former wife was told by the doctors,that chemo was not helping her. That essentially, short of a miracle of God, her life was closing out. What is the value of our life? Certainly, not to be hopeless.

And that is my recent cry. For quality to be vevery part of our life. To do our best not only to enjoy quality, but to create quality through the decisions and actions we make and take.